Mission creep is the gradual or incremental expansion of an intervention, project or mission, beyond its original scope, focus or goals, a ratchet effect spawned by initial success. Mission creep is usually considered undesirable due to how each success breeds more ambitious interventions until a final failure happens, stopping the intervention entirely.
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The first indication that something was wrong should have been that there were signs of roadwork. The driver was not a newbie, so there was no excuse. The odds of there being roadwork as opposed to something planted under the road were about the same as the mission statement being an accurate depiction of our goals and a realistic end state of the country when we were done.
The second indication that something was wrong was the silence. Some of you know what I am talking about. That moment where the sound is so profound, the shock is so intense that your body interprets this combination as silence. In silence our armoured jeep twisted, rose into the air and spun. Objects and people inside flowed and deformed like water. Time slowed.
Objectively I knew this was an explosion, an IED, and a bad day at work. Subjectively, I saw the arc of the water from my water bottle describe an arc as it turned in the air above my face, sparkling in the light like a rainbow, like a mini-Bifrost. Asgard calling, will you accept the charges?
Then the impact.
Jeeps can fly, but they shouldn’t. Armour kept us from being shredded, but when land battleships take to the air, it is like turkeys pushed out of the WKRP thanksgiving helicopter, they don’t fly well, and they don’t land happy.
Things broke inside me, bits of driver sprayed over me, which I realized meant we could skip “the talk” about situational awareness, and the signs of tampering to be reported to the convoy each and every time noted.
I found my personal weapon, trying to have coital relations with my ear. In order to defend one of the few virginities I had left, I removed the flash suppressor from where it tried to enter my ear. I noted figures moving outside, shooting at us. That seemed about right. I couldn’t move, but since I had my rifle I could probably shoot them. I thought about shooting my driver for being an idiot, but both the fact he was dead, and the fact I didn’t have room to orient my rifle towards the forward compartment made me settle for the Timmies outside. They had crap for movement discipline, no one seemed to have heard of cover so I shot a few of them. I noticed they merged and separated as my eyes did weird things. When you see someone doubled, and shoot them, they fall like synchronized swimmers dancing, and the Blue Danube waltz started to supply the sound track.
I went cold, and decided it was getting too hard to process it all. I decided I was going to nap. Besides, I can’t seem to open my pouches to get a new magazine. My fingers are too slippery. I was just about to nap when a woman in unfamiliar battle dress yanked me unceremoniously from my vehicle. That was odd. I was all kinds of trapped, and there was a bit of the frame that was actually in me, so her yanking me out was strange.
I guess she could have been a Kurd, they have female fighters. They don’t have too many blondes with shit eating grins, laughing eyes and the ability to clean jerk an armoured door right off its hinges, so maybe not.
She tossed me like a rucksack in the back of a helicopter. There was something wrong with the markings on it. Not a red cross, but three black interlocking triangles on an olive drab. The woman hopped in the pilots seat and spooled us up. Fire pinged off the chopper, and I wondered if I was in for my second crash of the night, wondering how I survived the first, since I seemed to see someone’s corpse sprawled in the upside down jeep she pulled me out of. In my seat. Like, holding my rifle too. Frigging odd that.
Things got odder as we rose through the air. At some point the helicopter turned into a horse and the woman’s battle dress turned into shiny chain mail. Not the Red Sonja sexy stuff either, it smelled of sweat oil and blood. Her hands had the sort of scars you get from thousands of wounds never fully healed from hands used as tools in a line of work where the concerns of tomorrow were never going to matter.
I am pretty sure I didn’t make it. Well. Fuck.
I am yanked off the horse in a courtyard in front of a huge hall that is made of spears and shields. There is a whole lot of logistics activity going on. Not so much dead guys like me on horseback, mostly loading a ridiculous amount of brightly wrapped packages into a sleigh pulled by eight behemoths the size of steroidal moose crossed with dinosaur. Like caribou as seen on acid. Or reindeer if you are of the Finnic persuasion.
I got slapped on the back and goosed on the ass by the woman who yanked me off the horse, she slapped palms with the women loading up the huge sleigh being loaded. The women in bright chainmail doing the loading reminded me of the human chains loading C130 or C17 on the tarmac ready for roll out.
I turned at the sulphurous swearing behind me and my vision which had stopped doing the double/single shifts after I got yanked out of the jeep having a bad moment.
I saw both/either/neither Odin the Victory Father/Santa Claus stalking down towards the sleigh. In one hand he held a spear that reeked with killing hunger, or a large sack that should have required a fork lift to carry. It shifted with him, both/either/neither. The other hand was a long list, scrolling into infinity if I looked at it too long.
“Frigging Frig writes smaller every year. Check it twice, how about use a printer not cursive, I invented runes so we could type set and be done with this chicken scratch bullshit!” He roared, and while it made my blood run cold, the course of jeers from the women and cat calls let me know sympathy for this devil was in short supply.
“Suck it up fat boy, you have one delivery a year. We don’t even get the night off.” The woman were grinning with the uncomplicated joy of a wolf pack watching a three legged baby deer try to run away. All the while tossing bulging sacks onto the sleigh that should have filled a C17 at this point let alone a glorified wagon on skis.
I honestly almost felt for him.
He bumped into me and I saluted reflexively. “Sir!”
He saluted back, with the list which hit his helmet/fur cap like a waving banner. “At ease, stand easy, your fugging dead so can the crap recruit. Grab a pint, we’ll orient you in the morning. I got,” He waved a hand at the loading going on “stuff, to do. He murmured. Can’t even swear in this rig. Fuggin censorship is what that is.”
The raven’s on his shoulders laughed as his transformation into Santa became full as he approached the sleigh.
I asked the question that was bubbling up in me, well I should have a few, but honestly the one was really working hard to get out.
“Odin, um, I mean Santa. How, I mean when did you…….” Okay give me a break, I had been on convoy duty an hour ago, not expecting to have theological discussions with my actual deity about cultural appropriation and it’s effects on multi cultural celebration of sacral feasts.
He stopped and looked at me. Sometimes one eye and an eye patch, sometimes two blue merry ones twinkling behind the twee-est fugging (now I can’t even swear!) glasses you ever saw. His smile was quick and infectious.
“Do you remember how you ended up in Pakistan in the first place?” He asked.
Then it hit me, my eyes widened. The most dreaded of all phrases a military man on deployment could hear, could say, could even think filled my brain, and escaped out my lips.
We said it together, the god of slaughter and myself. “Mission creep.”
A glorious blonde woman of imperious mien reached the top of the stairs above the courtyard, she tapped a wrist that had no watch, but conveyed the message “You are in danger of missing your timings, why is your fat ass still on the ground?” without saying a word.
He got moving, and the sleigh took off like a VTOL powered by elephant sized caribou, or reindeer if you are of the Scandinavian persuasion. Off to deliver presents to all the good girls and boys. The Yule Father, the brightest face of the All Father. Now Santa Claus because mission creep is a bitch, and when it sets in, even the most reasonable job becomes an epic impossibility.
I headed for the hall, where everyone else was enjoying a night off. I was not going for milk and cookies either. What the hell, I wasn’t driving tonight! Good luck sir, Santa, whatever.